I have been in the worst mood. Last week I think was the absolute worst mood so far since the “Happening.” I have so been wanting to slide my laptop into my heart and just record all of the horrible depths of depravity that it has experienced, which is a little odd to say right now considering the fact that I am in one of the best moods I have been in since the “Happening”.
I am sitting in the outdoor patio of the Starbucks on Santa Monica and LaBrea, sipping on an iced coffee and munching on a veggie burrito on a perfect sunny L.A. day with birds chirping and children playing. Everything is calm and polite and I’m experiencing it all. The situation I’m in right now is absolutely fucking horrible, but I can’t deny how ahead of the curve I am, how grateful I am, how… good everything is, how good everything can be. Across the courtyard are two disestablished Black dudes dressed way too warm for such a sunny day; pissed, angry, looking around. I know that feeling. I know that pull. I know how it is to be on the opposite end of this feeling I have, to sit down and just look around at every single crook and cranny, every person, every child, every pet, every plant and know in your heart that none of it understands the pain that you’re going through and none of it deserves the blissfully unobstructed, well-fed, healthy and happy existence it’s experiencing. I know the desire to want to destroy it out of anger, out of rage, out of panic, out of pure unadulterated jealousy. I know that heart. I don’t have that right now. Currently, I feel that I’m a part of the natural flux of “normal” polite daytime society. But who knows how long this will last. Who knows if our situations will reverse and if I will (again) be spiteful and jealous of a joy-lined world. I’m just grateful for right now; my coffee, my laptop, the sun, the iPhone my boyfriend helped me get and the playlist he made for me that I have been listening to on said iPhone for the past hour. I’m just grateful and happy and in dire need to remember this feeling and harness it to get myself out of this ditch and not use it as a comfortable pillow that would enable me to just lay here and slide down even further.
Now one glorious day I am going to have to get up and get an actual job. Right now I’m o.k. I’m making it but I really do have to stop fucking around and figure out what the fuck I’m going to do with my life outside of dreaming of winning the lottery, burning my last job down to the ground, going to sleep at 7:00 a.m., waking up at 2:00 p.m., eating pizza and masturbating ravenously all day long in between watching endless reruns of America’s Next Top Model. Honestly, it FEELS good but I’m just not used to embodying this “grasshopper” aspect of my personality when I’ve been a fairly diligent “ant” for the majority of my life.
Earlier I went to the beach with friends and it was one of the most peaceful and spiritual movements I have had in such a long time. I remember at one point going to the ocean and having a long conversation with it. I remember a slight pity party happening which started to slide a little into a victim-y plead for help and there was this clear and distinct voice that pierced through everything that simply said, “I gave you [your boyfriend]” and it just made perfect sense all things considering; the hurt I feel, the panic, the anger, the fear of my future. Before all of this I was already having panic attacks about my life, about who I am, what I am supposed to be doing, about even my government name. I was losing myself and though it felt like I needed to be lost, I just wasn’t comfortable with completely abandoning certain aspects of myself. I was horribly afraid of cutting the umbilical cord of my past and living life without a net or even if that was the best plan.
Despite all this crap that is going on, I felt as if I was asking for too much; asking for some sign of what to do and how to get out of this and there it was, written in the sky, right in front of me, distinguishable and succinct, “I gave you [your boyfriend]”. My boyfriend and I, coincidentally have the same government name. I felt like I was losing myself then I turn around and I get myself thrown back at me.
Now I’m not saying that I am going to start burning incense at the altar of my boyfriend. But what I can say is that for all concerted purposes, he has become my salvation. Yup, I got an atheist to get me closer to God. I got a vegetarian to help me appreciate meat.
Am I putting too much on him? Is that too much to “expect” of him? I’m not sure. I want to say that it is in all actuality too much to ask of anyone but it’s already started, the investment has already been made. I’ve been asking for some sort of sustenance; be it emotional, financial and/or spiritual and I’m realizing that all I need to do is start reaping the benefits of that investment. So far, every single time I do reap what we have sown I am astounded, fulfilled and content. I think I just need to keep going in that direction. I think I need to start acting like somebody in love; like somebody who is loved. I got to remember that; just like I got to remember this day. I got to remember to always go with love.