So I went to a pool party. A lot of stuff happened. Well not a LOT, I was just on the rag for some strange reason, my emotions were just COMPLETELY out of whack. Kept thinking about the ex-boyfriend.
Let’s back up a little. I wound up meeting up with Abdul at the bathhouse a couple of days earlier. We had already made plans to meet up at the pool party to do some deep hermano y hermano heart space talking, so the bathhouse was something “extra” for me. Especially since the Monday before, an FWB named Darius had come over here and we fucked so much and I came so hard that I think I excreted that LAST strands of black hair that existed in my beard. Besides, they were serving pizza that night.
Fast forward a bit and there I am chomping down pizza with Abdul and some sketchy Mexican dude he picked up. I wanted to kiss Abdul so bad and I even tried to but he is a strict vegan and the smell of pepperoni on my breathe was just toxic to him. Eventually, sketchy Mexican dude leaves and it’s just me and Abdul hugged up together. He says he misses being that vulnerable. He tells me he had a huge fight with his partner who is displaying the same “I’m-dying-and-I-fucking-hate-it-and-I-fucking-hate-you” disposition that my deceased husband displayed back in the day. I wanted to get deep into that heart space with him, but something just wouldn’t let me do it. I imagine it was the hubby. I didn’t go deep into my ex-boyfriend with him. I did mention when I told the ex that I hated him and that I think I hurt his feelings to wit he replied, “Well good for him. As many times as he has hurt yours? Good. He should know what it feels like.” Which didn’t necessarily make me feel better, but it did feel... “true.” He asked me, “Do you still love him?” I thought about it for a couple of seconds and said the absolute truth,
“Does it still hurt?” he asked.
He sighed and hugged me tighter. We laid like that for awhile before he looked up at me then snuggled up to me even more. I looked over at the mirror positioned at knee level and landscape style on a parallel wall. In the dark what I saw was the backside of what looked to be a beautiful, muscular, midnight black gorilla holding onto his white bearded brother with eyes so watery they almost glowed in the dark. I didn’t even know I was crying.
Saturday rolls around, as I head out the door to the pool party I get a text from Abdul:
I’m not going to be able to make it today. Jose bought me a street taco and I have had diarrhea and fevers on and off since. If you need a buddy to go, Jose is perfectly healthy. I actually had an interview arranged for me that I could not make and God knows I need the money.
Now I hate it when I text people and they respond with “K”, short for “Okay”. I hate it because it just seems so dismissive, judgmental… passive aggressive really. To me it reads, “I really don’t have time to even remotely discuss whatever this bullshit is you’re going through right now, I don’t even have time to give you three other letters, I’m just going to give you a K.” For example, if someone texts you and tells you that they have been in a car accident, you don’t text back, “K”. I know it’s just a letter but in my head I hear a single monotone note, a flat note, an evil note, flippant and non-evolving, a warning siren. All of that to say, as I grabbed my things to get ready to go to the pool party I had one and only one thing I could possibly respond to him with,
I wasn’t “heartbroken” to enter the pool party by myself but I was a little pissed and a little unnerved to not have a partner in crime to chill with. There are usually upwards of 100 people in attendance. Luckily the first person I saw is one of the finest men on this planet. Did I mention he was naked, completely naked, BUTT NAKED WALKING AROUND THE POOL! It was a good day.
Darius was there too. As was Robbie… THE Robbie Johnson. Which unfortunately brought up the ex because I was completely smitten with Robbie once upon time and somewhere around the time the ex and I declared our undying love for one another, Robbie confessed he was smitten with me. I rejected his advances at the time because I couldn’t bring myself to cheat. I thought it would have destroyed everything we built together up to that point. I remember Robbie thought I was being “over dramatic” whereas it would have just been sex but I was definitely on fairytale mode at the time and thought that it would kill the ex, it would kill our relationship. [insert tragic irony here]
Feeling that I was starting a long diatribe with myself about loyalty, reality and love, I went to get a Coke and talk with some other people. After awhile I look around and realize Darius is nowhere to be found. Neither is Robbie. Did I mention that there was a closed off pool house where guests can go and do… “things?” I made a B line straight over there.
It was completely hot and humid inside. I was immediately covered in sweat in seconds. If I wiped my brow, there would have been enough sweat on my fingers to hit somebody nearby with it. No matter, no one would have noticed. EVERYONE was on their knees sucking dick. Ok, not everyone, half of them. About a dozen people or so were on their knees sucking dick. The other dozen, standing getting their dicks sucked. And there was Robbie, on his knees sucking dick. And there was Darius, standing, getting his dick sucked. Yes, I was little heartbroken, but not tragically so. Not even remotely tragic just more… shocked I guess? Jealous? Of the both of them? I walked over there to get a closer look, just to make sure that the humidity wasn’t fucking with my perception but nope, there was Robbie like a jackhammer on Darius’ dick. It was kind of hot… I guess? I was trying to get into that porn moment. Even when Darius grabbed my chest out of pleasure from what Robbie was doing. I guess it was hot? Then he came. I think? I think he did? Not that I recall, Robbie might have swallowed it. Maybe? I remember Darius looking at me and going, “Ah Breeze, I don’t think I can do any more, he finished me off.” In my mind I was screaming, “OK, I WASN’T WAITING IN LINE MOTHERFUCKER!” What I actually said was, “It’s ok. I’m good.” Robbie reached for my dick which at the time was so flaccid it could have doubled for a Nerf ball. “I’m down right now man” I embarrassingly said. “So I see” he joked, as the last little bit of my pride evaporated away from me like some cartoon ghost. Darius got himself together and left while Robbie proceeded to blow some White dude with orange dreads.
Now the thing is, with about 100 people at this party, about half were completely naked. Orange Dreaded White dude was one of the naked ones and I was almost in awe looking at his body. His penis was so small and so red that it seemed to be “embedded” in his crotch area, like a… red marble dropped in the sand. It was shocking to see, imagining that THAT was what Robbie was bobbing up and down on. Even erect it could not have been bigger than half of a frozen breakfast sausage. My mind was just BLOWN. I was just looking around at all of those naked big men of every shape, size and color, all of those dicks, all of them, I almost fainted, I almost… swooned. So many dicks. There were SO MANY DICKS! It was dick overload. IT WAS DICK FANTASIA!
And all this time I have been so aggressively ashamed by the size of my own dick when in the big scheme of things… I am but one penis on the great penis assembly line of life. There will be dicks smaller than mine. There will be dicks bigger than mine. I have to own my own dick and do the best with it. It was such a weirdly profound and spiritual moment; how jealous I was of Darius when Robbie gushed over him when they were done, how I imagined Darius walked out of the pool house, into the sun and into his life, surrounded by generations of people who will bow down to him, honor him, love him for no other reason than… he has a big dick. How I hated him for it. How annoyed I was that I have been trying to fight against what has been true since the beginning of time… you need a big dick in order to make it in this world. And if you don’t have a big dick, you got to have some sort of compensation for it. Period. PERIOD. And while I have a big dick in MY world, I mean, I could crush Orange Dreaded White dude’s world, but I got to start working on the compensations. I mean, after all, HE was the one that actually got the blow job while I could not get my head out of the clouds long enough to get my Nerf balls to do ANYTHING. I was insanely jealous that Darius “Out Dicked” me when it came to Robbie, but felt much better knowing that Orange Dreaded White dude had a Pinky for a penis. So it wasn’t necessarily that Darius “Out Dicked” me, it was just that Robbie, for all consorted purposes... is a ho. And that really did make me feel much better about myself.
But alas, this is my world though. My sexual world. I’m not having fun. Not really. I’m getting by, I’m getting laid. I'm fucking so hard that my beard is turning white. But I so need some love man. I need some loving so bad. And THIS is why, I miss the ex.