Goodbye (Our Particular Cold War)


Listening to "Goodbye" by Lizz Wright. I used to listen to this song on repeat and just cry my eyes out thinking about Dean. It's just so weird thinking about it now. It just seems like lightyears away. I used to REALLY be in love with that guy. I can barely remember it now.

What I do recollect are the mountains of journal entries I used to write about him and how all my friends said that I was bugging them too much complaining about him. It feels like a movie; like I'm remembering someone else's story. Was I ever that heartbroken over him? Was it ever that serious? I do remember the suicidal tendencies when it ended. I remember feeling as if I could do no better. I remember feeling as if I would never, ever feel good again. It's so odd to recollect and acknowledge that considering the state of my love life right now with me actually FEELING some of those things about William right now; the loss, the desperation, hoping I could do better but not really believing it, feeling as if there won't be a journal entry or day that goes by in which I am not mentioning him, remembering him, longing for him in one way or another, particularly his demise. I remember thinking that every journal entry I wrote at one point had Dean’s name in it at one point or another and I didn't think that would ever change for the rest of my life. I feel like that with William right now. I guess that’s the hope; because there have been long, excessive periods of time in which Dean wasn't even in my periphery and the few times he pops up on the scene we’re more like old army buddies, reminiscing about the war. He’s even culpable of the fact that, in the broadest of strokes, he started that war. Will this be the fate between William and me where only the passage of time smooths down the ragged edges of my extreme rage while subsequently inspiring an earnest thirst for spiritual contrition in him that only a real man can understand? It doesn’t seem possible, I’m still way too angry and he is still way too arrogantly dispassionate, dishonest and irresponsible to even conceive an end to our particular Cold War.

But in all honesty, I did say the same thing about Dean.

Anyways, I just thought it was so odd to hear a song I was so affected by about a person who I was so affected by. It was kind of like finding the teddy bear that you used to have as a kid and remembering the involuntary and eternity long baby erections it gave you. You're equally as amazed thinking of the love you used to have for it as you are thinking of how small, plain, monochrome and quiet that stuffed doll actually is. I used to LOVE this! I used to love THIS? I used to LOVE William! I used to love WILLIAM? Will that day ever happen? It did with Dean. That's for sure. I used to REALLY love Dean.

#relationships #love #dean

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